I went no contact with my mom many years ago when we had a big blow up over Mother’s Day in 2015 that ended with her physically assaulting me. I left swearing she’d never see me again with she yelled back “Good!”
The average person looking at that would say “Oh it was all said in anger, I’m sure neither of you meant it. My mom is my best friend!” But they don’t know life with a Narcissistic Mom (NM) nor do they know life with a Covert Narcissist. (CNM)
Those of us who grew up with a NM know each side was absolutely sincere and only one party doesn’t like to admit it, and it’s not the daughter.
While I held my firm boundary of No Contact (NC) she sent a couple texts and cards here and there asking to reconnect, saying she didn’t see the point of my childish reaction to such a little disagreement, asking when I would come around again, saying she missed our good times, never taking responsibility or saying she was sorry. (But she can’t. She can never be wrong. The whole thing falls apart if she admits wrong-doing.)
Her efforts were not longstanding. She asked to see me again maybe the first few weeks after and that was really it. The rest of the contact she made was random holidays and sometimes my birthday. I think over the 9 years (including 6 of no contact) she’s remembered my birthday maybe a handful of times. Sometimes I got a card, sometimes it had money, others I just got a text, some years I didn’t get any acknowledgement
I don’t share all this to add a woe- is-me story for you, after all, going no contact means ZERO contact. I didn’t expect anything from my CNM. However, I tell you this to give you an image of what reality with a NM is really like. They prefer to hold the power in any relationship and when they have no contact (and no grandkids yet) the one thing they can hold power with is acknowledgement of your existence (After of course the smear campaign and flying monkeys routine). Since I went no contact first, the inconsistency was what she had left to weaponize.
I moved to low contact about 3 years ago. I began responding to texts. Fitting in with her desire to hold the power – she has shown 0 interest. Everything has been ignored. I thought maybe it was just me expecting too much right away since it had been so long so I let it go.
I deliberated for quite a while whether or not to tell her I was engaged. I ended up sending her photos and a note that I had said yes. To her credit she did respond in a healthy and kind way, but ended with her text saying “when do I get to meet this man?”
A month later she sent me a text saying my grandmother was in town. In fact she said “Let me know what day is good for a visit.” As if she’s been to any of my homes EVER, and as if we’re there already. It felt like a set up so I didn’t give her a day for them to see me. My grandmother hasn’t bothered to speak to me since I left home 19 years ago and has never once checked in to see if I’m ok. Neither have any of my moms siblings and their children. The entire side of the family did not care that I had effectively disappeared.
The last time I saw my mom in person we (figuratively) bumped into each other in a parking lot. She forced her way into my car to awkwardly hug me and acted all bubbly and high-pitched saying hello to my fiancée. (Her bubbly personality is her fake “love me I’m an angel, I can’t see why people hate me” persona, obviously I can’t stand it. It’s a comical mirroring of a bubbly, social butterfly, loquacious woman we knew several years ago.)
My fiancée- a very strong, stable, kind, observant and loving man- was very creeped out by her. This was his first time meeting her and he told me afterward that she felt so fake he was shocked at her enthusiasm.
I moved to a new state soon after that, in summer of 2022. She then ignored my engagement. She wished me well on the day of my bridal shower because my sister told her about it. This was a year ago.
She has not said anything to me since. With the exception of a birthday wish.
I’ve married since then. Nothing.
My sister had a baby shower back in my hometown and I traveled there for it in April. My mom was there as well as my grandmother. My grandmother greeted me with open arms and kind words. My mom acted indifferent. She sat with my sister and I ended up in the back of the room with a few friends from years ago. My mother and I spoke more at the shower than we had in 10 years. It was still uncomfortable and she asked me maybe 3 questions. “so you’re married/ Are you happy?/What’s new?” How do you sum up 10 years of life? Nothing I say will make her happy for me.
I brought with me envelopes of wedding photos for friends and family and one was for my NM. I thought maybe if things went well I could decide if a relationship of some kind was worth pursuing. If I wasn’t fighting the urge to run for the door I would give her the photo packet.
By the end of the shower I decided to give her the packet. She looked at it with a frown, “what’s this?” I told her they were photos and she seemed unimpressed.
She didn’t thank me. I didn’t expect a thank you. But I did think it was a good reason to message me a thank you after she saw it. I waited a few days, assuming she’d jump at the opportunity to open a conversation. After all, it’s something I would do if my daughter was estranged from me for so long. That’s a huge gesture and more than the breadcrumbs she’d gotten from me in the last 10 years. I didn’t have to do that. Nothing happened. It’s been radio silence.
That was my fatal mistake. I looked at it from my perspective, from my healing heart. I was sad (and still am) because she didn’t respond like the healed person she claims she is, like the mom I hoped she’d be. I shouldn’t have put so much onto that gesture. That’s on me to come to terms with. I don’t make it a practice now to read people’s minds, BUT to my moms distorted thinking it’s likely she saw that as a personal offense, or a gesture of mockery. And that’s something she is responsible to communicate to me because she is an adult. Her emotions are her responsibility. Her reaction is on her.
I prayed that I would get my answer if I should rekindle a relationship.
I think I got my answer.
I think each new realization in this journey unveils a new way to mourn this loss. I don’t know if that will ever stop. I’d like it to. But then who would I be if I wasn’t a little sad that I didn’t have a mom? Would I be healed or callous? Would that affect my ability to be a good mom?
I do know one thing, I will always be intentional with my relationships with my kids.
Love & Hugs
The Mild Millennial
The Mild Millennial 