Okay. We’re already in and talking about this. I feel I need to bring it up early.
One of the many things you WILL have happen to you, if you haven’t already is the serious offer for sex from a guy you never thought you’d hear it coming from.
I’ve been in this unfortunate position more than once. In fact if I went public with half the stuff I’m sent -unsolicited mind you!- I’d end more than a few marriages and long term relationships.
One day you will get that “hey” message from a guy you’ve always thought was a pretty standup guy. Maybe he’s a leader in your church group, maybe he’s just always been THAT boy at church. You know the one. The one Mom or Dad said was automatically approved to date you, just because he’s been around long enough. The one who is always at church or adding to any event. The one who’s always present and seems to set a good example. You’ll be excited that he’s talking to you. Or maybe you’ve already been keeping rather good communication recently. In any case. You get that late night message. “Hey”
It’s a different tone than the rest, you can already tell. He has something on his mind.
And then he hits you with the offer. It may not be right away but it will happen. He’ll ask you a little shyly. He might be straight forward, depending on the level of flirtation you two may have exchanged prior to this.
Let me tell you how it happened to me.
He was a nice church boy. We knew each other distantly for years. He came from a good family. He was always at church and youth events. He got my number and we chatted occasionally. Sometimes it was text, sometimes he’d call, Snapchat once in a while, Facebook Messenger. The usual avenues. I wasn’t developing a crush yet, I was still letting myself learn to enjoy the attention. I’d rather make a friend and discover I liked them than rush into a crush and end up confused and hurt.
Then one night he dropped me a message and asked me to come over to his house. It was midnight, so I knew the offer was outrageous. (Which then makes my sarcasm kick in and it’s really all downhill from there) I told him no but asked what he wanted. Surely it had something to do with the invitation to BIBLE STUDY the night before, or to CHURCH the week before that.
No such luck. I asked what on earth we would do at midnight (I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, after all we’d become rather good friends.)
“Oh you know…stuff” was his response.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading. So I flat out said, NO.
Instead of accepting my answer he pressed, “Come on, I’m pretty good. You know you want it. ”
At this point I didn’t care if he wanted to have sex, expected a hand job or blow job, or just kiss me, I was furious. I told him no once more. “In order for any of that to happen I have to be willing, and I’m not. So. NO.” That should do it, right?
He pressed for it again, “I’ve wanted you for a while. I think it’d be fun. You know you’d like it. The offer is always open. I’m being dead serious. No one would have to know.”
I felt so cheap! So preyed upon! So degraded! I took a couple moments to compose myself. In that time he gave me his address and said I could come to his FAMILY home via the back door. (Homeboy is asking me to come to him and do sex stuff in his family home. Let that sink in. His parents are asleep in the home, his siblings were asleep in their beds! And he’s asking me to drive to his home and get him off.) I shook off the horrendous desire to retch and in a moment of glory typed out, “Yeah but see, I would know. And I value myself way too much to throw away something like that on someone who would ever suggest ‘no one has to know.’ ”
I was so angry I turned off my notifications and went to bed.
I woke up the next morning to three big emoji’s (kissy faces and heart eyes) and messages. “I don’t mean any disrespect it just gets lonely sometimes. I apologize if I disrespected you I just find you attractive. Have a good night.”
I didn’t reply. I needed to calm down first. I was still too angry. Later that morning he sent, “Couldn’t sleep last night. Was thinking of you all night long. You got my hopes up and I couldn’t sleep.”
I didn’t reply. I began to feel dirty. He had been thinking about having sex with me all night. I didn’t feel any attraction to him before but now, here he was telling me he fantasized about me all night AND couldn’t take no for an answer. That is one huge red flag. If he won’t accept a written NO what tells me he’ll accept a verbal NO? Nothing tells me, that’s what.
I was creeped out now.
Later that day he messaged me again, “Why don’t we go on a date tonight?”
I felt groomed, how long had he been talking to me to actually ask me that? I felt lied to as well. What made him think I was that kind of girl?
If this has not happened to you yet, I’m so relieved. May it never. But the likelihood is that it will. And when it does, girlfriend, may you have the self respect to tell him to step back and take a seat.
You’re worth more than a casual hit up. Don’t let a seemingly Godly man do that to you either.
No means no, and you don’t have to give a reason. Why? Because you don’t owe him one! If it’s a no, he should be on his merry way and so should you.
The Mild Millennial