The thing about being single is that you go through a cycle of loving the solitude that comes with that title and loathing it. You relish time alone, spent invisible and independent. But it can also be the very reason you cry yourself to sleep at night.
Which leads me to this.
I never said this would be cheery, funny business all the time. I’m also in a completely melancholy mood. I’m really sorry if this depresses you. Seriously, if you’re feeling delicate anyways you probably shouldn’t read this because this will just make you feel worse.
If you’re still with me, take a deep breath because we’re diving in.
You’re about to see the loathing side in written form.
Not sleepy. I’m exhausted beyond sleep. It’s 2:30 am on a Monday and I can’t fall asleep because I’m so tired. Tired of everything.
I’m tired of hearing my girlfriends brag about their sexual escapades- Knowing I can’t bring myself to do what they do.
I’m tired of thinking about the person I thought was my soulmate dropped me the moment his bestfriend said she suddenly had feelings for him.
I’m tired of never seeing my friends because its too hard to get a babysitter, or their spouse isn’t home yet.
I’m tired of seeing friend after friend announce engagements, relationships, pregnancies, and gender reveals.
I’m tired of all the perfectly edited photos of every happy couple- making life look like a gigantic picnic because they’ve finally got someone who loves them.
I’m tired of men telling me I’m too intimidating.
I’m tired of finding a place I’d love to visit but having to pause, wondering if I should save that for when I’m in a relationship so I can share that with someone special.
I’m tired of scraping the ice off my windshield because no one thought about me when they left in the morning.
I’m tired of eating at an empty table in silence when I get home from work.
I’m tired of staring at the food in my cupboard thinking it’s not worth cooking for one again and crabbing some crackers instead.
I’m tired of instinctively reaching for someone who isn’t there when I’m feeling lonely.
I’m tired of having dreams about simply holding someone’s hand.
I’m tired of craving affection from everyone but getting nothing.
I’m tired of seeing the vacations I can’t afford.
I’m tired of seeing the dating pool dwindle.
I’m tired of telling myself I won’t settle.
I’m tired of being the one to take care of my friends on a night out, because no one else will. Maybe I want to let loose once too!
I’m tired of being too tired to look forward to any plans after work.
I’m tired of everyone’s life moving forward around me.
I’m tired of the devotions that tell me to wait.
I’m tired of the overwhelming ache to be hugged.
I’m tired of feeling completely solitary and isolated.
I’m tired of hearing my friends gush about their latest Mr. Right and everything he does for them.
I’m tired of the hand holding pictures couples seem to share.
I’m tired of the squeals of delight after each ring is shown off.
I’m tired of not being able to rely on my friends.
I’m tired of judgemental eyes and glares from my own personal army of Pharisees.
I’m tired of wondering what I did to deserve whole packs of Christians turning their noses up at me.
I’m tired of my sister pretending she isn’t my sister anymore.
I’m tired of worrying if I’ll ever make it as a writer.
I’m tired of worrying about money.
I’m tired of feeling the overwhelming sadness wash over me the moment I’m alone.
I’m tired of being lonely.
I’m tired of not trusting people and having them prove me right.
I’m tired of my split family.
I’m tired of being a piece of something that no longer exists- my parents marriage.
I’m tired of having to spend the time to get to know a guy before I decide he doesn’t make the cut.
I’m tired of hunting for the tissues in my house with blurred vision.
I’m tired of looking at the happy couples and comparing them to the families I know that lost spouse’s suddenly over the holidays.
I’m tired of yearning for a relationship I fear will end in death, divorce or cheating one day.
I’m tired of hoping I get to have a long and happy marriage- like finding buried treasure.
I’m tired of watching my friends make bad decisions for immediate love and asking me to pick up their shattered pieces after.
I’m tired of my dog running off.
I’m tired of men thinking I’m a prize or conquest.
I’m tired of advice no one understands about being single.
I’m tired of the catchphrases I’m supposed to believe about singleness.
I’m tired of being strong for everyone else.
I’m tired of being motherless.
I’m tired of handling everything on my own.
I’m tired of seeing how big my goals are, and not seeing the first step.
I’m tired of wondering what other jobs I’m qualified for.
I’m tired of having no one to talk to about all of these things.
I’m tired of sounding whiny.
I’m tired of worrying about what I say and don’t say.
I’m tired of stuttering when I get depressed.
I’m tired of getting physically sick thinking about getting my heart broken again.
I’m tired of thinking I have nothing left in me to wake up in the morning.
I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to.
I’m tired of wondering how the people around me can afford to travel to the places I dream of.
I’m tired of asking God WHY.
I’m tired of feeling like I was betrayed by my best friend.
I’m tired of waiting for good things.
I’m tired of radio silence from God.
I’m tired of taking “steps of faith” because I just can’t get an answer.
I’m tired of my love and affection being treated like a joke.
I’m tired of waiting for attention.
I’m tired of being second rate to the people that matter the world to me.
I’m tired of giving my advice and no one listening because “that’s no fun.”
I’m tired of complaining coworkers.
I’m tired of being asked what my thoughts are, but being interrupted anyways.
I’m tired of wondering how on earth the least appealing people in my life are in relationships.
I’m tired of waking up thinking someone was next to me and feeling that loss the moment I realize it’s just the dog.
I’m tired of my friends having less and less in common with me.
I’m tired of everything taking a toll on me.
I’m tired of my own life.
I’m tired of having to remind myself that the way we present ourselves on social media isn’t 100% accurate.
I’m tired of feeling let down.
I’m tired of cancelled plans.
I’m tired of unreturned calls and texts
I’m tired of my friends asking me how I am, but not even reacting when I tell them how I actually feel.
I’m tired of being unable to afford anything.
I’m tired of painful memories.
I’m tired of rumors.
I’m tired of staring at my bucket list and realizing most of them require a partner.
I’m tired of wondering how long it will take me to die of a broken heart.
I’m tired of wondering who would miss me if I did pass.
I’m tired of wanting the best for my sister but being powerless.
I’m just tired!
I’m tired of being tired with everything I just listed!
I’m tired of so much I can’t sleep. I just get to write about them at 3 in the morning now
I’m tired of forcing happiness in my singleness.
I’ll tell you what I do want…
I want peace -and God seems to be rationing it with me.
I want affection.
I want undivided attention just once.
I want honesty.
I want laughter or jokes to cheer ME up.
I want someone to really listen to me and communicate intelligently about what’s actually in my heart.
I want someone to notice all this pain and tell me it’s going to be ok.
I want security.
I want someone to take care of me for once because they love me.
I want someone to show me they love me.
I want someone to call me to hear my voice, not just when they need me.
I want promises kept.
I want someone to be interested in me, not just the idea of me.
I want dependability.
I want something to rely on.
I want people to care about others.
Peace. I want peace.
The longer you’re single the smaller your support system becomes. That’s just the way it is. The isolation alone can feel like it will kill you. The secret is finding balance and knowing how to release this exhaustion.
The most important thing to remember about this cycle is it is just that. A cycle. A continuous wheel, the emotions are always trading off and coming back around again. It’s not unusual. It’ll get better. I’ll be unhappy again, but I’ll have to find a way to deal with it…again.
That’s just the way life can be. Don’t give me that cliched “Jesus will make you whole in your singleness.” line or its many variations. I’ve been told that all my life and have yet to experience that. I’m not saying it’s impossible. I’m saying I’m human. I desire human contact. I’m whiney when I don’t get it. Plain and simple.
Don’t worry about me. These are all legitimate thoughts chronic single’s have. Trust me. Show some extra love to the terminally single in your life today. These lists usually run through our mind when we’re alone. By lunchtime tomorrow I’ll look fine. My cycle just has to take its course. That doesn’t mean I don’t need a little extra love though. Be sensitive. Love your fellow single lady (or gentleman). We say we’re ok, but a lot of the time we really just want peace and affection.
The Mild Millennial